Wednesday, June 07, 2006


Diagnosing Coulter's Affliction

Like everyone else, Mean And Colder has jumped on the 6-6-6 bandwagon to pimp her latest book by dressing like a Whore and Babble On about some crazy thing or other...verily she comes across like a Beast.

It's true she is an easy target. After all, she makes a living being outrageous. Some days I think she was the one who started the rumors of her being a post-operative transgendered person.

I admit I used to watch her with the same morbid fascination I normally reserve for car crashes, until I realized the woman is sick... as in clinically afflicted. Since we are now at a point where medical diagnoses can be dispensed remotely, let me walk you through the differential diagnosis.

Some have wondered where I get the right to make this diagnosis. I'm glad you asked. I got my degree from the Dr. William Frist School of Remote Clinical Diagnosis, located in his home district of the Land of Make Believe. My specialty is in the Online Analysis of Alien Life Forms and I am a board certified online diagnostician, licensed in all 50 states and the Western provinces of Iraq.

Let's look at the woman.  Ok, not directly. Let's look at the woman on TV so we don't turn to stone.  What physical observations are immediately apparent?

1) She is painfully thin. You could lose an eye if she popped you with her elbow.

2) Her eyes have a "perpetually startled" look to them.  The clinical term for that is "exopthalmic"... kind of like Barbara Bush used to look.

3) The girl is fidgity.  Watch her on TV, she can't sit still.  Something is always moving. If she was a child, you would say she was hyperactive.

4) She has wild mood swings.  She can go from laughing inappropriately and mocking Colmes (a natural response, I admit) to viciously attacking his patriotism with no provocation.  That is politely referred to as "emotionally labile"...think PMS and you get the picture.

5) She has poorly controlled rage.  She is extremely irritable.  That makes her very irritating, but I digress.

6) She has unstructured thought.  If you read the transcripts of what she says, it sounds like she was making an argument, but she is just stringing together talking points of questionable relevance.

7) She seems to fatigue easily.  She can't sustain a running dialogue, but is only good in short encounters.  The rare occasions where I have seen her go more than a few minutes, she runs out of steam.

8) Finally, there is that throat thing.  Lots of people swear it's an Adam's Apple.  I think it's a goiter.

Diagnosis:  hyperthyroidism (Grave's Diseases) or granulomatous thyroiditis

Grave's Disease is more common in women, usually in their 30s or 40s.  It is an autoimmune disease, which means the body is attacking itself.  That makes a lot of sense.  There is definitely something unnatural about her.

Granulomatous thyroiditis usually occurs in females between 30 and 50 years of age. It is believed to be viral in origin, often preceded by a upper respiratory tract infection.

Given the persistent speculation about her gender, it is worth noting for the sake of completeness that cross gender hormone therapy can also activate hyperthyroidism.

Of course, I could be wrong with this diagnosis. I recently heard from the Ghost of Frank Zappa (I'm not making this up) and he proposed an alternative explanation worth considering:

There is an old saying in medicine that when you hear hoofbeats, look for horses, not zebras. Meaning that the most common diseases are most common for a reason. So, your differential diagnosis seems sound.

However, there is more to Ann than mere hyperthyroidism. Ann Coulter is a tragic figure.

She was conceived in a horribly failed medical experiment done by the Russians from the vaginal swabbings taken from Eva Braun shortly after she had consummated her marriage to Adolf Hitler. They spent their honeymoon in a ditch. On fire.

Apparently a mixture of the Fuhrer's semen and Eva's yeast infection, heated by the gasoline fire, melded into a frightening mixture of disease and wasted humanity. This potent mixture was secreted off to Russia where it was stored near Chernobyl. When the Chernobyl catastrophe occurred contamination from the site activated the growth cycle of the latent yeast infection/Fuhrer amalgam and Ann Coulter was "born."

Blue eyes. Blonde hair. A vision her father could truly love. And she makes bread rise. Thanks to her mother.

Bottom Line: She is definitely suffering from some sort of affliction. The real tragedy is it's probably treatable. Of course, she'd no longer be a freak show and then how would she make a living; biting the heads off chickens?

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